A Cup of Loneliness..

Having always dreamt of leading a Single life I got a flavour of it on a dark rainy evening...

I was doing my internship for two months in Bangalore and staying with my friend in a Women's hostel. She could'nt stand the weather(which was damn cold) and left for Chennai that morning. I returned from office in the evening to find our hostel drenched in darkness. Power cut..Went straight to my room, bolted the door and lay on the bed staring at the black envelope surrounding me, listening to the pitter-patter of raindrops falling on the railing outside. I had no charge in my mobile or my laptop. My total dependence on technologies about which I keep mocking all the time came crashing upon me. The hostel warden informed us there won't be power till the next day afternoon. All my connections to my world, to all those people to whom Icould relate to was severed. Musing upon all this I lay there wanting.. Hoping and wishing...

For a "Hi de" from one of my friends..

For A loving "Ennada panra"(wat r u doing) from my mom..

For the constant "enna sapta?"(wat did u eat) from my dad..

For the most sweetest "Atthai.. Atthai" from my dear niece..

For the sound of laughter as my roomie tickles me..

For the sound of some incoming call on my mobile..

As I lay there another image came creeping into my mind.. The image of the caretaker in Good life centre for children announcing to me.. " Inga parunga ma.. Ivarudhan Prashanth.. Ivara 1st std la poturukom..Prashanth idhu Bhavani akka.. Ivangaluku Hi sollu..( See here.. This is Prashanth.. We have put him in 1st std ) Prashanth was very shy.. He just shook my hand and ran away.. Prashanth had lost his father as soon as he was born and he was here because his mother was now terminaaly ill with cancer.. His grandmother had no means to look after him and hence had left him here, the caretaker explained to me. He came here two days before, I was told. As I was leaving the centre that day I came across Prashanth again. He was sitting in the bottom most stair sitting with his head in his hands. The significance of that image struck me hard now... the long drawn look in his eyes.. the forlorn face hoping for words that might never come.. Surrounded by many yet in a world of his own.. I know for me the silence is going to last only for the weekend.. But wat about him.. where is the hope there?

Hope maybe lost but it can certainly be found. We spend a lot of time with our friends hanging about mindlessly, looking for entertainment and fun in places where our heart does not lie. Its not that we should'nt hang out with our friends at all but we can spend atleast half of our time in such a place too where we can laugh and make others laugh too :) Providing just monetary help might satisfy our prickly soul but spending time with the children will give both of us happiness and enhance us with a sense of pride that these are the tots that are going to be the future hope. That satisfaction is too hard to obtain otherwise

I just emptied my cup of loneliness with these thoughts :) :)

First Glimpse , First Revelation

Every time I see those soldiers rescuing a hostage... Every time a terrorist gets convicted and I see these news reels go on and on about it.. And every time I see men senselessly firing at each other I wonder just one thing these days.. Had these people seen a New-Born's face would they have the heart to raise a gun upon another man? Alas! If only there was an answer to that question, about 99.99% of the world's problems would be solved.

But quite honestly, that's how I felt when I saw Ananya for the first time in the hospital. She appeared to me like a bouquet of red roses tucked in a blue cloth. I never thought these people ( meaning my mom, dad etc ) will allow me to hold her but guess what? I actually was given the privilege :) :) Happiness was coursing through my veins like never before. I doubt whether being in heaven would have made me more ecstasic. There was a hushed debate going on about the colour of the baby sparked by my brother. Are these people blind.. I was wondering. Can't they see, she is as pink as a rose bud? There were hushed discussions about who the baby resembled. I din't go into that, I was just content feeling an overwhelming sense of peace staring at her face. I was hoping to stay for a few more minutes but was driven out saying that the visiting hours were over :(

As I was returning from the hospital a lot of things were running through my mind. For the first time I was looking at life from my mother's perspective. Din't I love this child so much now? Did'nt I put her happiness before mine? Did'nt I have the feeling that she should be protected from even the slightest of miseries? My mother should have felt and is still feeling the same thing about me? Suddenly I felt that its time I started displaying the affection I have all along felt for my poor mother. I remembered those days of my childhood when I was very sick and used to be in the hospital most of the days. I remember my mother peering through the glass window and watching sadly as the nurses put needle after needle into my skin. I can feel the pain now..not of the needles but the pain that would have coursed through my mother's veins as she saw the injections piercing my untanned skin then. Thoughts of the past are searing in me as I get reminded of the day she was sitting beside my sick brother and crying. That was a rare sight for me, to see my mother crying. There lay my brother, sick and unable to prepare for the most important exam in his life and there was my mother shedding silent tears. I let those tears be silent, never let her knew I had seen those tears. But now after holding this little kid in my hands I could realise the full agony of a mother's sadness and the joy of a mother's happiness. All the love which my mother lavished upon me for 20 years, I could feel within a second as I touched the child. Ananya and my mom were the same to me now.. though sometimes I have doubts about who is my mother and who is my child :)

In this world where desire rules the heart.. Love is the lamp that lights up the soul!

This is my first attempt at blogging. I might not stick to rules or follow the trend but I solemnly promise to learn fast. I ve been meaning to blog for the past 10 months but I suppose it was just god's will that I start only now.

The date was 11/12/2008.. I can clearly picture myself mopping the floor. I was grudgingly doing this job because it was karthigai deepam that day and everyone except me and patti had gone to the hospital. I was waiting for the good news any moment now. And finally the phone rang. It was my mother who broke the news to me. Its a girl!!! WOW!!!!!!!! A girl was what I had wished for to be honest. And I had beforehand decided a name for her that morning. I thought she should be called Krithika because it was the day dear lord Muruga was also born. I screamed with excitement and patti and me performed a little jingle!! She was also at the height of happiness as dear Ananya ( that's how she was eventually named) was her first great-grandchild. I was dying to go to the hospital to meet my anna and anni and our little star!